Why Crocs Should Be Extinct (No, PETA, This Doesn't Concern You)

I'll be the first to admit it, I've owned (and, sadly, worn) some pretty hideous shoes in my day. I've worn light-up flip-flops, grandma boots, this pair of red and yellow floral-print mesh slip-ons from Mexico my sister proclaimed the "ugliest shoes she'd ever seen" the other day (she said this the other day because we were cleaning out old closets at home over Easter weekend. I don't wear them in real life. Swear.), and I owned jellies in about every color at one time or another, I'm sure (although they're making a comeback?).*

But on my life, on the career I don't have yet, and on the Coach Madison Floral Audrey handbag I'm absolutely dying to have, there is one shoe that has not, nor will ever be seen on any foot of mine.

The Croc.

Sure, they're "odor-resistant," relieving you from those smelly foot issues, "lightweight -- like they're not even there" for those of you who are wearing iron-plated boots with your suits of armor, and give "form-to-fit support...like a hug" to those of you who just weren't shown enough affection as a child.

And sure, they come in every color imaginable so you don't have to worry about those terrible times when your shoes don't match your sweatband or granny panty underwear,** and you can shop for them by "use" or by "lifestyle" (important business meeting? Don't leave home without your "stylish-looking yet comfortable" Mary Jane-ish Croc slip on! Hiking Pike's Peak? The multi-sport Trailbreak Jesus sandal is the one for you! 94 inches of snow barricading your front door? That shovel won't help you one bit if you aren't wearing your fleece-lined winter clog (fleece available in chocolate, black, oatmeal, or plaid, of course--or go for the versatile corduroy version!)).

And what could be better than a neon foam slipper thing--unless it's a neon foam slipper thing embellished with rhinestone flowers, your favorite Disney characters, a tribute to your sports team, or even a 3-D Jibbitz Shoe Charm? No shoe is EVER complete without personalizing its topside ventilation holes (included for extra airiness, of course)!

But seriously, guys. Unless you're nursing an endangered species back to life in your bedroom in your home in the swamps of the Florida Everglades,*** you should not have anything called a "croc" in your closet. Ever. Remember that.


(The 3D green triceratops Jibbitz. Priceless.)










* In my defense, these terrible, terrible occurrences all took place before the year 2000. Swear. Which means I didn't buy them myself and was rudely coerced into forcing them onto my tender, innocence feet. I blame you, Mom, for buying such atrocities. And you, Sister, for the hand-me-downs. And you, Henchman Holding Wrench...

** No offense, grandmothers of the world. You wear your granny panties with pride, and don't let anyone ever tell you any different.

*** Actually, no. Put the crocodile back. And the alligator. And the panther. They will eat you.